going away

I don't really ever go on about how it is for me having four children.

I try to keep my posts mostly positive sometimes I share snippets of the difficulty mostly I share the happiness and joy they give me. I have been a parent for ten years I have been a wife for almost seventeen. Today I stepping away from my post to spend some time away with a friend for the first time in all those years.

I cannot express the sadness I have to leave my still breastfed almost two-year-old. I know that she will be fine, I intend to continue to feed her when I return in four days. This may seem wrong or insane to some to go away for a break. My own self is struggling with it all.

I give everything to my house I have neglected my idea of home.

I am going to miss my family and I am going to appreciate them more when I return. I am looking forward to quiet to sleep and the break from all the nagging I have been doing, to not have to look after anyone for these up coming days. I hope I learn something about myself and redistribute myself in different ways when I get back.

I leave here with no lists, no instructions... just trust that will be ok.

sad dot-to-dot

I have been seeing myself lately as a dot on a page. I have been imagining all the other dots around me, all those other people who are in the same world as me. Or the lack thereof.

The dots that flood faintly in a wash but that dissipate and rub off. The semi- permanent ones that wash out in water, they look great for a while but then they're gone. They may leave a mark or a stain, and sometimes they come back.

Then there are the ones you cannot draw cause they are kind of not actually there, the dots that would make you look really good on the page but do not hold any structural integrity. Some of these dots though I wish I actually had on my for real page. I know I may end up with more of these than I can give dot-love back to. Then there are dots that reappear, that form clusters around mine, sometimes they're inconsistent or random, but they're always there. Some of these dots actually stop me from moving onto anther page because I love them so much.

Then there are the ones that I should have drawn in permanent marker, because maybe they'd still be there. Sometimes I knew they were going, sometimes I didn't, but all of them left marks on my page so deep they will seep through every page I will ever fall onto. This week I lost another dot from my page, and so did everybody that shared that same dot, especially the little ones for whom that dot was their biggest.

We whom shared that dot can be sure that this dot seeps through and marks every page we all will ever have.